Virginity: the state of never having had sexual intercourse.
Losing your virginity is always portrayed at this beautiful life event that will change you forever. Something you will have fond memories of for the rest of your life… Let me tell you that isn’t always the case! In high school, my friends and I never talked about losing our virginity. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that we started talking about it in university, and I then realized my experience wasn’t like everyone else. That is usually the case with most things but I realized how not cool mine was.
(Is “not cool” proper english? Oh well)
I often felt ashamed of my choices when it came to losing my virginity and blamed my self for MANY years (This is becoming a trend). Here is my story of how I lost my virginity, and in many ways what not to do. I hope that someone can learn from my mistakes!
I had been dating this guy, Let’s call him A, (I have a thing for initials) for a few months now. He lived in the neighbouring town but we saw each other fairly often. This was the time when Skype was a huge thing so we repeatedly video chatted into the early hours of the morning. I was 14 at the time and he was 15, but we were pretty crazy about each other, as much as a teenager can be. We spent so many hours talking on the phone too, that ended quickly when Bell sent my mom my $400 cell phone bill (Back when unlimited calling wasn’t a thing). At this time, we hadn’t had sex. Not because we didn’t talk about it but I just honestly wasn’t ready yet and didn’t feel the need to do that. We both were happy with how things were and didn’t see the urgency to change things.
It was the summer of 2008, we had an international student living with us from China and she invited me to come home with her for 3 weeks in the summer. I was thrilled, I couldn’t imagine what an awesome time it would be. I talked to A about me going on the trip and he was extremely excited for me. He said he would obviously miss me but we would talk often and he couldn’t wait to hear all the stories. When I got to China, the access to certain social media accounts were limited. We both assumed we could talk daily and video chat as well but that wasn’t the case. When I landed I was able to touch base with my family and friends who informed A that I had arrived safely. I e-mailed him but never got a response.
I was having a great time in China, I was missing my family but I was experiencing so many amazing things culturally! It was roughly the end of my second week when I finally got access to Facebook and checked my messages. As expected, I had a ton from my friends and A, all asking how I was and what I was up to. Nothing was out of the ordinary until I saw a message from a girl who I didn’t know, and wasn’t friends with on Facebook. I immediately had this giant pit in my stomach.
I’m sure where many of you can see this going… As I was reading the message my heart broke into a million pieces. I was supposed to be heading out to another Karaoke Bar with Tina and her friends, but I chose to stay at the apartment as I didn’t even know what was going on. It was like my whole world was being flipped upside down.
The Other Woman
This girl had messaged me telling me that A had slept with her, a few times, over the past 2 weeks. She sent me screenshots of their messages as proof. She went on about how she thought we had broken up as that’s what he was telling everyone. It wasn’t until she saw our relationship was still on Facebook that she realized he was lying. I immediately messaged her back thanking her for telling me and then turned to my friends for help. China is a 12 hour time difference, so of course, no one was awake, it was the middle of the day in China. I was all alone in a country where I didn’t speak the language. I remember crying for hours, not having ever felt this pain before.
After a few terrible hours, I got a message from A. He apologized for what had happened, and how he hoped I would never find out. I specifically remember him telling me that he did this because we hadn’t had sex yet, and he had needs that I wasn’t fulfilling. I was pissed at him and told him to never contact me again. I e-mailed my mom to tell her not to pick him up when she came to get me at the airport and I logged off of all social media. For the last week of my trip, I would check my e-mail to talk to my family and a few close friends but avoided A like the plague. The only way that I knew how to handle this was to just pretend nothing ever happened.
(Also a bad trend I am seeing in my life).
The Return Home
Two weeks later, I was finally home and back into the routine. School started again shortly but I enjoyed the little bit of the summer that I had left. My friends were great, they tell me how terrible A is and that I can do better, but I started to miss him. I finally opened the messages from him and read the paragraphs of him confessing his undying love for me. Being 14 and naive, I agreed to take him back. He said he will be better than ever before and that he loved me. (I’m a sucker for the idea of love!)
Now, of course, our relationship dynamics had changed. Things got sexual quick. Still being a virgin I never knew how to be sexy, but I started to try and figure it out. I felt a tremendous amount of pressure that I had to have sex with him, or else he would cheat on me again. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but I was losing my virginity just so someone would stay with me. Let me tell you, that is the worst reason to do that!
More like the lack of climax I guess. I remember heading over to A’s house, we had planned to have sex that day. I was INCREDIBLY nervous but knew I just had to do it or we wouldn’t be together. When we had agreed to get back together I remember him saying, “We have to have sex, as a man I have needs that must be filled. And if you are going to be my girlfriend you have to have sex with me.” I remember it being a hot humid day and his house didn’t have AC. It started off with us just watching a movie in his room until we started kissing and in my head I was thinking, “This is it, this is how I lose my virginity, and I don’t even want to. This isn’t romantic. Why am I doing this?” About 10 minutes later, it was all over. The feeling of disgust, shame, and overall embarrassment completely overcame me. As soon as he left I curled into a ball on his bed and just cried. When he came back, he saw me crying but never said anything, he handed me my clothes and said his mom can drive me home in a few minutes.
You know what the weirdest thing is; I spent HOURS going over this scenario in my head, it just replayed over and over again the past 12 the years. I remember the days leading up to it, the conversations we had, the moments leading up to the act, but the moment that is most clear is this overall numbness I felt during the sex. I don’t remember making any noise, or even looking at him. I just laid there, in shock. I was mad at myself for letting him take that moment from me. I felt anger for not saying anything, not standing up for myself.
The Final Act
That car ride was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life to date. He sat in the front seat with his mom just talking like I didn’t even exist. When we got to my house, he got out of the car to hug me and that was the last time I ever saw him. I text him that night but never got a response. The next day, I sent him a message on Facebook and still nothing. I was ghosted by the guy who took my virginity. I was pressured to do something I didn’t want to but I didn’t have the balls to stop it.
How I’ve Been Since Then
My view on sex and anything sexual was skewed for many years and sometimes still is. I regret losing my virginity with someone who never cared about me and it took me a long time to get over that feeling of betrayal. Society romanticized the idea of losing your virginity so much that I felt like I was not worthy of a good person because of the scenario in which I lost mine. To this day, I feel very undeserving of love and have moments where I think people are just sleeping with me because they want to have sex, not because they actually like me. For me, it is important to have those words of affirmation often said, and also have the time where sex is not the main activity.
I do enjoy sex, and I have grown a lot since losing my virginity but if you only take away one thing from this story it is that you should only do something if YOU want to do it. Don’t do it because someone is pressuring you or you feel like you have to. You don’t! You are deserving of so much love, support, and respect ALWAYS!
Moral Of The Story: Your happiness matters more than anything else. Only do what you are comfortable with. Also, your virginity doesn’t define you.