Dear P

Breakups are a part of life, and they honestly suck. Ever since the beginning of my dating career (is that a thing?) I never knew how to handle a break-up. I’ve had a few short term relationships and a few longer ones. Some relationships I was thrilled to get out of, and some that were harder. As someone who blogs about sex, love, and relationships I thought that it was best that I was transparent with you all. 

Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to salvage a relationship that I had destroyed with my own insecurities. I spent a lot of time trying to better myself and my understandings of relationships and breakups. In the end, I realized that no matter how much I wanted things to work it wasn’t something I could do on my own, it was a two-way street and unfortunately our streets were going in different directions. It was an awful decision to have to make, I knew I was losing someone extremely close to me, someone I thought I would possibly spend my life with, someone I spent hours laughing with, and someone who knew me more then many people did. 

Even though our relationship has come to an end, I am so happy to have the memories that we made together, and the moments we shared. It is incredibly tough to realize that the person you are with just isn’t on the same page as you. P and I were in the middle of some amazing accomplishments in life and I think we just didn’t know how to love each other like we needed.

(I’m in Starbucks writing this, I haven’t written in weeks and this is what is coming to me right now. Trying not to cry in public is quite a tricky situation)

So with that being said… This post is for P. He deserves more than a post but at this moment it’s all I know how to give.

Dear P,

I know I’m not the greatest at telling you how much I cared for you, but I do know that I am good at writing about it. I’m not writing this to make you sad or feel bad. I am hoping that maybe this helps you, and me. 

I wanted to thank you, for everything that we have shared over the past 6 years. I sometimes cringe at the thoughts of the things we did in the beginning, we were just so young and didn’t care. I would give anything to have a moment like that again, no cares in the world, just laying in the dark, naked, and laughing with each other. Things were simpler then, but it was those moments that made me love you. Of course, that is when things were the most complicated. We were friends with benefits and I wanted more but we couldn’t be more. I struggled for a long time with that, feeling like I wasn’t good enough for you and that you would be embarrassed to be with me. I want you to know that deep down I knew it was the right thing, and I’m sorry for always giving you crap for it. You were protecting me from us, and the mess that we would have been. 

Even when we lived on other ends of the country I knew that you were there for me. Thank you for all those late-night vent sessions, siding with me even if my opinion was ridiculous, and loving me when I felt unloveable. Even though I hadn’t seen you in months or years I knew that whatever weird friendship we had that I could count on you. You gave me relationship advice and always told me that I deserved better, thank you for pushing me to stand up for myself. 

The past year has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, and you stuck with me through it all. I can’t even begin to understand why. When I moved back home you were my shoulder to cry on, the person who brought me back from the dark hole I was in, the person who showed me it was ok to love again. I knew that running into your arms wasn’t the right thing, but I didn’t want to be without you. I felt more like myself when I was with you, and it was something I hadn’t felt in years. 

I am so sorry for all the pain that I brought in the beginning. I never intended for you to be a rebound. I knew that it wasn’t fair to you, to me I was so thrilled to finally have the opportunity to finally be with you that I didn’t realize how broken I was. You gave me the cold hard facts and I hated you for it, but I knew you were right. I’m sorry for all those lost photo moments, the petty arguments, my insecurities, and hormones (they are a bitch). I’m sorry for not being better at expressing myself, it’s hard… I know you understand but I am still sorry.

I wish we could have found a way to be what we both needed for each other. There were so many great qualities that we brought to each other, but so many things we struggled with. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for this not working. I almost blame myself, because I wish I could just give you a handbook on how to love me, and what I need but I just can’t… I can’t teach you how to be in a relationship and that is mostly because I don’t know how to be in one either. I know that I am so lucky to have you in my life, even if it’s weird. I really hope that things get better with us, even if it is just as friends. I know you are someone I want in my life forever. 

Thank you again for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I can’t imagine how difficult I have made things this past year, and I wish I could take some things back, or change how things happened. I just want you to know that I will love you always. I’m so glad that we randomly became facebook friends 6 years ago, and I’m glad we chose to walk in the freezing cold on Christmas Eve Day to meet. I’m so glad that I took risks in meeting a complete stranger and sleeping with him because my life has changed so much because of you. I couldn’t imagine how different it would be without you. 

I know that you will do amazing things in life, you are the most determined, stubborn, hardcore person that I know. Don’t EVER give up on yourself, I will be cheering you on no matter what happens. I am so proud of you and everything you have accomplished so far, you deserve nothing but happiness and for your dreams to come true. 

Love you always,

S.

P.s. Always order the burger 

2 thoughts on “Dear P

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